Sigh

I can either go out and be super active with you and kill my feet that way or I can stay home and do the housework and kill my feet that way. I can't do both on the same day and you know that. I have been way over doing it and you know that too. So why are you mad at me? Why are you moody so much? I know why and so do you if you think about it, but you won't admit it unless you don't do it for awhile and you see the light. I love you.

My thoughts that are unsafe to vent anywhere else but here

I can't stand volatile mornings especially when I get blamed for them. You were in dick mode as soon as you woke up but I pretended not to notice and tried to make your morning go well so you weren't stressed for your interview. You didn't "toss" my shower chair. You threw it into the other room and it bounced off the coffee table. If you weren't in dick mode and mad you would have calmly put it in the computer room like usual. I am not an idiot mother fucker or a bitch, although I can be, but I wasn't this morning. And I was only an asshole when you threw the wet towel at me and looked at me like you could strangle me. It was just a fucking wet towel and I didn't put it there. It probably fell in there after I showered. And I just can't believe it is my fault you ganied weight. I am sorry that it has happened and yes I am not that active but I am more active now than I have ever been since becoming disabled. I don't want to play the disabled card because I hate it but I CAN'T be as active as you are ever. That is not my fault. You can walk and exercise without me. You have no idea how much hate was in your voice this morning when you bitched at me for your gaining weight. I was terrified of you and your loudness and your tantrums. You can go places without me and you do. You go see Andy whenever you want now and I don't give you hell. So what if I call you a couple times and I call again if you don't answer? I know you listen to music loud and don't always hear the first time I call. What is wrong with calling back? You can go anywhere you want at any time. I haven't tried to stop you in a long time. And the next time you do, I guarantee that I will NOT call at all. Not even once. Not even if you don't come home until the next day. I am sick of this shit and I am sick of getting blamed for all of the bad things in your life. My life isn't rainbows and butterflies either and I could blame you for adding worries like child support etc to my life, but I don't. Because I love you and your worries are mine too because I love you. I don't resent you for it. I wish typing this out made me feel better, but it doesn't because I am afraid of how you will react when you see it. I love you. Why can't we get along?

Happy Birthday Dennis!!!

Today is Dennis' 38th birthday and since I couldn't get him a store bought gift today, I wanted to give him something else. I thought I would tell him and everyone else the things that I love about him.
He does a lot of little things that I probably don't give him enough recognition for like bringing me breakfast in bed at least five times a month if not more (he did that yesterday in fact), foot rubs (which are the most favorite times of my life because they are therapeutic for me among other things), long walks and talks, fishing with me, he loves my pets as much as I do, he takes care of my pets as much as I do and sometimes even more than me, he doesn't let anyone and I do mean anyone say a bad thing about me even if they are right about the bad thing, he loves my body, he loves me even when I am horribly mean to him and hurt his feelings, he does all the dishes and almost all of the cooking, he takes out the trash, does all the outside yard work, washes the car, changes the oil and the brakes, cleans the house, helped me set up our fantastic aquariums, puts my wants above his almost always, encourages me to be a better and more honest person which pisses everyone off including me sometimes, he doesn't mind when I need time alone to read or watch tv, he holds me when I cry, he cries at sad things on tv or online, he loves his kids and shares them with me when he can, he cries with me when I am in pain, he won't let me get up when my ankles hurt for anything other than going to the bathroom, he doesn't mind when I play Facebook apps or WoW for hours on end, he doesn't complain that I am a picky eater, he is quiet when I am asleep even if it is 4 in the afternoon, he protects me from scary stuff and kills all spiders for me, he understands that I don't believe I should have a child and he doesn't pressure me to change my mind or tell me I am stupid about it, he has a HUGE, giving heart that most people don't realize he has or even though I am stating it now they will disagree with it because they don't know that side of him, he would give a homeless person the clothes off his body and all the money he had on him, he gave a homeless guy clothes and a new bike once and a job but the guy didn't show up for the job, he gives second third fourth and a millionth chances to people, he loves me unconditionally, he brings the umbrella around to my side of the car before he lets me get out in the rain and holds it over me the whole way (a lady inside Steak N Shake applauded him when we walked in there about a week ago for the umbrella thing and he was embarrassed lol), he helps me stand and walk which is a big job in itself, he isn't embarrassed when he has to push me in the wheelchair when I am having a bad day and can't walk from pain, he is proud of me and thinks I am really smart and he would do anything for me at anytime.

I love you sweetie! Happy birthday old man!

Hoping

I am really hoping that our day improves and there are no more infuriating emails coming from anyone because I don't think I can handle another dose of that. I don't like seeing the hate come out of Dennis or my family members. It scares me. I feel like it is going to make me have a heart attack because I get hysterical and emotional and I can't calm down. I hate this crap. Why can't our world improve?

Funny Bone

We went to the Funny Bone tonight and saw some guy I can't remember, Vince Morris and Felipe Esparza. Vince was soooooooo funny!!! We voted for Felipe when he was on Last Comic Standing this season and then he won so it was cool to see him. Afterwards we shook his hand and talked to him. He was a nice guy and looked me straight in the eye and gave me a sincere thank you for voting for him. He was high as hell on something when he first started his set though which was not good. I hope it doesn't kill him like it did Greg Giraldo because we liked him too!

New blog

I am trying out this site because my other online journals get too much attention from my family lol.